Ms father passed away on April 24th. Evening. LGH hospital. Surrounded by family. The family had him cremated and the service / celebration of his life was yesterday. It was a long period between the death and the service, but it feels "good" to finally have it completed. The family has been understandably stressed and irritable the last couple of weeks.
I was laid off on the 30th of April. (former) Boss (that went away for six inclusive vacations with his family last year and two so far this year) did so with his fakey "I'm trying so hard to look sad" face. That was expected; business was not going so well (but well enough for his vacations!) and he had done a little bit of financial shuffling in the weeks prior. I wouldn't be writing this entry if not for the choker - he emailed me for some information pertaining to my medical plan and I let him know that it would be a while before I could find it as I had a wake service to go to yesterday. Here is his response, verbatim:
"My condolences to both you and (M). It is at times like these that you should reflect on how precious life is and live life it to its fullest. No rush on the info but the coverage is an individual coverage and the info would all be in the envelope provided to you. Take care of yourself and hear from you soon."
Sorry, but I have a hard time swallowing that second sentence, from a guy who just cut off my income and has no idea what we are going through - he has all his parents and in-laws, a guy who doesn't reflect on how "precious life is" and doesn't at all "live life to its fullest". We've been trying to deal with it from the point when Ms father was diagnosed, almost a year ago! The days drew nearer as he went into palliative care a month ago now, wtf wtf wtf!!!! We have been reflecting for it seems like forever!!! Asshole!
Oh, and "live life to its fullest"??? I mean sure, if you want to put self-serving selfish asshole in the category of living life to its fullest, then yes, former boss counts. The guy who says he "loves food" but hates Greek food, doesn't like Japanese food (except for cooked items), Indian food, or Mexican food. The guy who says he loves gaming but can't play shooter games or slasher games because they make him dizzy. The guy who bitches and complains about other peoples bitching and complaining, and says he is "more positive". The person who kept only one person employed at work (ME!) while he was off vacationing, how the fuck am I supposed to live when my longevity is dependant on my work?!?# WTF?!
It just make me happy that I am not working there anymore, even if it means that I may not be financially secure. Fuck, some people make me violent.
Anyways, I am totally having a shitty year, it is one of those "character building" years but hell... like I was telling an incredibly supportive friend, "I wished I could go back to when I was a little kid and my biggest problem was that my brother was being mean to me."
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Love.
Feeling emotional at work is never a good thing, but today it is.
Cousin has been feeling emotional - we have this cool ESP thing going on! :) She has been feeling disappointed and emailed me; I happened to be at work early having some breakfast and saw her email as it came in and called her right away.
I love her! I love that we've grown up together and we go through the same things, even if they are at different times!
I wanted to write this entry to document the fact that the things we do for the people we love, the vows and promises and appointments / "dates" we make, the actions we take, we do not only because we love them, but because feeling is mutual and you know they would do the same for you.
This is not only with my cousin, this is with my parents, with M, with my brother and sister, with Ms siblings and parents as well, and friends new and old.
Smile - you are loved. We are loved. I love you!
Cousin has been feeling emotional - we have this cool ESP thing going on! :) She has been feeling disappointed and emailed me; I happened to be at work early having some breakfast and saw her email as it came in and called her right away.
I love her! I love that we've grown up together and we go through the same things, even if they are at different times!
I wanted to write this entry to document the fact that the things we do for the people we love, the vows and promises and appointments / "dates" we make, the actions we take, we do not only because we love them, but because feeling is mutual and you know they would do the same for you.
This is not only with my cousin, this is with my parents, with M, with my brother and sister, with Ms siblings and parents as well, and friends new and old.
Smile - you are loved. We are loved. I love you!
Monday, April 19, 2010
Fear of the known.
We visited Ms father in the hospital twice this weekend. Palliative care.
Before all this I didn't even know what it meant and wished I didn't still.
It is, as M puts it, where people go to die.
I was "fine" / in shock the first afternoon. There was a female patient in the kitchenette area of the palliative care and she was sweet and frail. She had a great smile, but you could tell she was in pain. She would close her eyes and moan softly.
The second day a doctor stopped me and asked me if I was alright.
No, I'm not alright. I really hate hospitals.
That being said, the nurses, doctors and volunteers are incredible. I do not know how they deal with things day in and day out. I thought before this, with MB and his car accident last year, that I hated emergency rooms - no, at least in emergency rooms there is still hope and the unknown.
In palliative care, there is no hope, and everyone knows what is coming.
As I watch M and his family deal with everything I am reminded of how my own father wept at an uncles funeral. The image has stuck with me even after a couple years - I had never seen my father cry until that day. And he was really weeping.
It scared me but as we are so detached...and the immage so foreign to me, I couldn't even reach out to hug him. I fear somedays that my family thinks that I have "gotten hitched" and left them behind. I rarely go out to dinner with them, and when they call to invite me to dinner I've often had to decline because I had plans.
But I love them. I love them so much.
It scares me that what is going on with Ms family, may have to be dealt with in an even more personal level one day.
I cried a lot around my birthday. Not because I am growing older. The fact that everyone I love is growing older ... that is the fear.
Some days are good; some days are overwhelming.
Last night we came home from the hospital and M put Forrest Gump on.
It was funny - I didn't remember that I had been jogging earlier that day and was thinking about a scene from Forrest Gump until I watched it with M. :) ESP is funny.
But yes - watching Forrest Gumps story made me cry. If anything, the movie made me realize that I want to be remembered for my actions and my relationships with people.
Before all this I didn't even know what it meant and wished I didn't still.
It is, as M puts it, where people go to die.
I was "fine" / in shock the first afternoon. There was a female patient in the kitchenette area of the palliative care and she was sweet and frail. She had a great smile, but you could tell she was in pain. She would close her eyes and moan softly.
The second day a doctor stopped me and asked me if I was alright.
No, I'm not alright. I really hate hospitals.
That being said, the nurses, doctors and volunteers are incredible. I do not know how they deal with things day in and day out. I thought before this, with MB and his car accident last year, that I hated emergency rooms - no, at least in emergency rooms there is still hope and the unknown.
In palliative care, there is no hope, and everyone knows what is coming.
As I watch M and his family deal with everything I am reminded of how my own father wept at an uncles funeral. The image has stuck with me even after a couple years - I had never seen my father cry until that day. And he was really weeping.
It scared me but as we are so detached...and the immage so foreign to me, I couldn't even reach out to hug him. I fear somedays that my family thinks that I have "gotten hitched" and left them behind. I rarely go out to dinner with them, and when they call to invite me to dinner I've often had to decline because I had plans.
But I love them. I love them so much.
It scares me that what is going on with Ms family, may have to be dealt with in an even more personal level one day.
I cried a lot around my birthday. Not because I am growing older. The fact that everyone I love is growing older ... that is the fear.
Some days are good; some days are overwhelming.
Last night we came home from the hospital and M put Forrest Gump on.
It was funny - I didn't remember that I had been jogging earlier that day and was thinking about a scene from Forrest Gump until I watched it with M. :) ESP is funny.
But yes - watching Forrest Gumps story made me cry. If anything, the movie made me realize that I want to be remembered for my actions and my relationships with people.
Monday, January 11, 2010
And so it continues...
Had an excellent (but sure as hell busy!) week last week.
M went out to see a hockey game one weekday night, so I dropped by my aunts for din. I hung out with little Nathan and savoured a breezer. It was good to connect and recount dinners and everything. Nathan prodded me to play Wii with him before I was done eating, while Yoshi humped my leg. lol!!! Yes, kind of juxtapositioned, but the dog just kept on humping my leg!
Ms sister invited me to a two-day conference regarding innovation in BC. It was eye opening and although I'd only planned to be there for one awards ceremony, I made it back the next day for a panel and a couple of the presentations from entrepreneurs. Bumped into an old boss there and we chatted for a bit and caught up. It was nice to see her as I hadn't seen her since I'd left (although I'd tried to!) and wanted to see how she was doing.
Had to take a nap as I as already fading. That evening, we went out to Boathouse in Port Moody for Rs birthday. It was surprise, so I didn't know everyone there, but it was good anyways. It was made up of mostly his family / cousins so I was so glad that there was that strong element there. His family is so close! It echoed all the positive feelings I'd had over Christmas and the holidays. :)
I love family.
Saturday, we met up with some Xangans for lunch. It was decidedly better than I would have thought and conversation flowed effortlessly! I have to look at getting back into Xanga again.
As for Saturday night, I met H&Os creation, baby Ethan. He is the cutest thing ever and if you ask M, I've only stopped talking about him when I eat, sleep, or play ps3. He was really the cutest, quietest baby I've met in a long time - the kid slept through me and my bcit alumni playing Wii and mahjong!!! Very cool indeed.
H loved the sweater I knit her baby, even though chances are slim that he'll get a chance to wear it as he has grown a bit. (booo - I *knew* we shouldn't have postponed meeting until the new year!)
Sunday I was pooped. We spent all day in our pjs and took the sin "sloth" to a whole new level. :)
And it was good!!! Here's to another fantastic week!
M went out to see a hockey game one weekday night, so I dropped by my aunts for din. I hung out with little Nathan and savoured a breezer. It was good to connect and recount dinners and everything. Nathan prodded me to play Wii with him before I was done eating, while Yoshi humped my leg. lol!!! Yes, kind of juxtapositioned, but the dog just kept on humping my leg!
Ms sister invited me to a two-day conference regarding innovation in BC. It was eye opening and although I'd only planned to be there for one awards ceremony, I made it back the next day for a panel and a couple of the presentations from entrepreneurs. Bumped into an old boss there and we chatted for a bit and caught up. It was nice to see her as I hadn't seen her since I'd left (although I'd tried to!) and wanted to see how she was doing.
Had to take a nap as I as already fading. That evening, we went out to Boathouse in Port Moody for Rs birthday. It was surprise, so I didn't know everyone there, but it was good anyways. It was made up of mostly his family / cousins so I was so glad that there was that strong element there. His family is so close! It echoed all the positive feelings I'd had over Christmas and the holidays. :)
I love family.
Saturday, we met up with some Xangans for lunch. It was decidedly better than I would have thought and conversation flowed effortlessly! I have to look at getting back into Xanga again.
As for Saturday night, I met H&Os creation, baby Ethan. He is the cutest thing ever and if you ask M, I've only stopped talking about him when I eat, sleep, or play ps3. He was really the cutest, quietest baby I've met in a long time - the kid slept through me and my bcit alumni playing Wii and mahjong!!! Very cool indeed.
H loved the sweater I knit her baby, even though chances are slim that he'll get a chance to wear it as he has grown a bit. (booo - I *knew* we shouldn't have postponed meeting until the new year!)
Sunday I was pooped. We spent all day in our pjs and took the sin "sloth" to a whole new level. :)
And it was good!!! Here's to another fantastic week!
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
When Grown Men Cry
There were a lot of tears this holiday season. It’s taken me a while to think this entry through and finally sit down and type it out. There is a fellow that we see at the s’bux all the time who goes there to work – when the moment comes, it is all he can do to type out whatever is on his mind, or that needs to be done.
I guess this is one of those times.
I hate to be sexist, but as a woman, I cry a lot. It is cleansing and cathartic. It can be selfish but powerful. Men always claim that women aren’t fighting fair when they cry during a fight…perhaps for that reason, when men cry it means that much more.
When I was a little girl, I used to tag along with my brother and aunt (she is only eight years my senior). Of course, being the youngest one, I was always the first to get hurt or get picked on, although my brother was a bit of a bully and made my aunt cry a couple times. ;) Since those two didn’t want to get into trouble, they’d attempt to make me laugh when I started crying, and by the time the adult who heard me crying came along, they’d claim that I was faking it and that I was just playing. You know, as in, oh, she’s laughing so hard that she’s crying. Ahh, memories.
Ms older brother got married at the beginning of the year. It was beautiful – a whirlwind of action as we all only found out on boxing day (December 26) that the wedding was happening on January 2nd. Yes – when family members act, things happen. :)
Ms fathers health has been declining steadily – we were not sure if he would make it to Christmas, but he’s made it into the new year, and more importantly, to see one of his sons get married. And so when the groom made a speech that night in the intimacy of his parents home and broke into tears, his older sister jumped in and saved the moment. Yes, much like my brother and aunts policy of “laughing so that you forget the pain”, L, in the spur of the moment shared an anecdote with potty humour.
It worked – but the thought was still in the room.
M was very upset that night. I have never seen him cry, but he was very emotionally moved by the night and his fathers fraility. All I could do was cry with him…
The past few months have been trying. I illnesses, accidents and general Christmas blues / brights played their role. All I can eternally say is that I am so glad to have my family and friends with me. I told more than one person that I loved them this holiday season; I hugged and was embraced by more than one person as well. The latter surprised me (mom hugging me) and I felt really loved. No, Christmas is not about material possessions, but the memories that the holidays bring, both happy or sad.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I am truly lucky and blessed to know you all. Happy New Year.
I guess this is one of those times.
I hate to be sexist, but as a woman, I cry a lot. It is cleansing and cathartic. It can be selfish but powerful. Men always claim that women aren’t fighting fair when they cry during a fight…perhaps for that reason, when men cry it means that much more.
When I was a little girl, I used to tag along with my brother and aunt (she is only eight years my senior). Of course, being the youngest one, I was always the first to get hurt or get picked on, although my brother was a bit of a bully and made my aunt cry a couple times. ;) Since those two didn’t want to get into trouble, they’d attempt to make me laugh when I started crying, and by the time the adult who heard me crying came along, they’d claim that I was faking it and that I was just playing. You know, as in, oh, she’s laughing so hard that she’s crying. Ahh, memories.
Ms older brother got married at the beginning of the year. It was beautiful – a whirlwind of action as we all only found out on boxing day (December 26) that the wedding was happening on January 2nd. Yes – when family members act, things happen. :)
Ms fathers health has been declining steadily – we were not sure if he would make it to Christmas, but he’s made it into the new year, and more importantly, to see one of his sons get married. And so when the groom made a speech that night in the intimacy of his parents home and broke into tears, his older sister jumped in and saved the moment. Yes, much like my brother and aunts policy of “laughing so that you forget the pain”, L, in the spur of the moment shared an anecdote with potty humour.
It worked – but the thought was still in the room.
M was very upset that night. I have never seen him cry, but he was very emotionally moved by the night and his fathers fraility. All I could do was cry with him…
The past few months have been trying. I illnesses, accidents and general Christmas blues / brights played their role. All I can eternally say is that I am so glad to have my family and friends with me. I told more than one person that I loved them this holiday season; I hugged and was embraced by more than one person as well. The latter surprised me (mom hugging me) and I felt really loved. No, Christmas is not about material possessions, but the memories that the holidays bring, both happy or sad.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – I am truly lucky and blessed to know you all. Happy New Year.
Friday, December 25, 2009
Making Memories
I've been so lucky to experience this year. It hasn't been the best news-wise (illnesses, economy, etc.) or a good year stress-wise (accidents, work, etc), but it hasn't been all bad either. Its been a perspective-building year.
I am sincerely grateful for the amazing people around me and am forever indebted for their kindness and generosity. Not only in their time, but their positive energy and their presence in my life. Really, I am so lucky to know all the friends who have been there through the years, and the family that puts up with my insanity day to day. I'm proud to know them and call them my boyfriend / mother / father / brother / sister / aunt / cousin / friend...
I write this because I realize that not everyone has these key supportive people in their life, nor a great relationship - I am writing this to let you know to cherish the relationships that you do have and have built. If you lead by example and show those around you that you love them and appreciate them, they will only do the same. Especially at this time of year, it is not about presents or objects of affection, it is about quality time with those you love and actions and words.
Merry Christmas everyone! Hold your loved ones close! Hug your mom! :)
I am sincerely grateful for the amazing people around me and am forever indebted for their kindness and generosity. Not only in their time, but their positive energy and their presence in my life. Really, I am so lucky to know all the friends who have been there through the years, and the family that puts up with my insanity day to day. I'm proud to know them and call them my boyfriend / mother / father / brother / sister / aunt / cousin / friend...
I write this because I realize that not everyone has these key supportive people in their life, nor a great relationship - I am writing this to let you know to cherish the relationships that you do have and have built. If you lead by example and show those around you that you love them and appreciate them, they will only do the same. Especially at this time of year, it is not about presents or objects of affection, it is about quality time with those you love and actions and words.
Merry Christmas everyone! Hold your loved ones close! Hug your mom! :)
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Thankful, Lucky and Blessed.
Yesterday was not the most productive of days, but it was humbling and profound in many ways. It was sunny but cold and crisp, not bad for December.
I started out the day some quiet time on the computer - I was supposed to do a workout but since M woke up early, I got ready for the day and went down for coffee with him. I spoke to Mar, (MBs girlfriend) and also MBs mother. They both sounded so much more relieved and happy - you could hear less stress in their voice and it made a definite difference.
ML texted me soon after asking if I was going out with her and Izzo to Richmond, so I tagged along and we had some brief "girl time" at Richmond Center. I quizzed six year old N in the car about Chinese school and Michael Jackson (apparently he knows one song by MJ but wouldn't hum or sing the song, even though we waited with baited breath and tried to make a guessing game out of it. After almost an hour at Bath & Body works, we walked around some more and lunched at Shanghai Wonderful (love love LOVE their food! Although it can make you have food coma afterwards!) Izzo had such aforementioned food coma and decided to go home for a nap before going out for Ts birthday dinner that evening.
Mar called me again while me and ML were at Winners at Lansdowne, and thankfully, Izzo and Re were still in the area and doubled back to pick me up. We picked up their other car that was in the shop and Izzo dropped me off at RCH to see MB.
We are so lucky that MB survived the t-boning by the SUV! And we are lucky that he is awake...loopy as hell from morphine drip, but awake and able to move, for the most part. Doctors are still monitoring him and making sure that his body can handle all the small changes. It was heartwarming to see him. It was great to see him and Mar together. They are really lucky to have one another, and I'm glad to see them happy.
I stayed until his dinner came and was sad I had to go. But after MB had his accident last week, I had made a promise to myself that I'd make a point to see friends that I hadn't seen in a while. . .while it was compromising the time with MB, I hadn't seen T in a couple months either! So we made it out to Delta for her birthday. We missed the surprise thanks to me, but it was kind of fascinating to see the kids in their family all grown up and six feet tall.
There were so many hugs and positive energy...the whole day.
We also went back out to Vancouver in the late evening for a soccer fundraiser that Re had organized. Got to see some CILTBs, D and M. It was less overwhelming than the last time I'd seen them at Phnom Penh. Joked around some more, although it was loud in the place and some jokes were lost in translation.
At some point in the day / night, I said to Izzo, "there are things that we do for others, simply because we know they would do it for us." As we grow older, it becomes more and more apparent - there are things you do and tasks you accept without question, because you value the relationship more than your pride, time, or energy, and you know there are those who would do the same for you.
And family and friends? I am lucky and blessed to have them in my life, and extremely thankful for them.
I started out the day some quiet time on the computer - I was supposed to do a workout but since M woke up early, I got ready for the day and went down for coffee with him. I spoke to Mar, (MBs girlfriend) and also MBs mother. They both sounded so much more relieved and happy - you could hear less stress in their voice and it made a definite difference.
ML texted me soon after asking if I was going out with her and Izzo to Richmond, so I tagged along and we had some brief "girl time" at Richmond Center. I quizzed six year old N in the car about Chinese school and Michael Jackson (apparently he knows one song by MJ but wouldn't hum or sing the song, even though we waited with baited breath and tried to make a guessing game out of it. After almost an hour at Bath & Body works, we walked around some more and lunched at Shanghai Wonderful (love love LOVE their food! Although it can make you have food coma afterwards!) Izzo had such aforementioned food coma and decided to go home for a nap before going out for Ts birthday dinner that evening.
Mar called me again while me and ML were at Winners at Lansdowne, and thankfully, Izzo and Re were still in the area and doubled back to pick me up. We picked up their other car that was in the shop and Izzo dropped me off at RCH to see MB.
We are so lucky that MB survived the t-boning by the SUV! And we are lucky that he is awake...loopy as hell from morphine drip, but awake and able to move, for the most part. Doctors are still monitoring him and making sure that his body can handle all the small changes. It was heartwarming to see him. It was great to see him and Mar together. They are really lucky to have one another, and I'm glad to see them happy.
I stayed until his dinner came and was sad I had to go. But after MB had his accident last week, I had made a promise to myself that I'd make a point to see friends that I hadn't seen in a while. . .while it was compromising the time with MB, I hadn't seen T in a couple months either! So we made it out to Delta for her birthday. We missed the surprise thanks to me, but it was kind of fascinating to see the kids in their family all grown up and six feet tall.
There were so many hugs and positive energy...the whole day.
We also went back out to Vancouver in the late evening for a soccer fundraiser that Re had organized. Got to see some CILTBs, D and M. It was less overwhelming than the last time I'd seen them at Phnom Penh. Joked around some more, although it was loud in the place and some jokes were lost in translation.
At some point in the day / night, I said to Izzo, "there are things that we do for others, simply because we know they would do it for us." As we grow older, it becomes more and more apparent - there are things you do and tasks you accept without question, because you value the relationship more than your pride, time, or energy, and you know there are those who would do the same for you.
And family and friends? I am lucky and blessed to have them in my life, and extremely thankful for them.
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